January 3, 2010

Why Faith786 Would Make a Bad Christian

Posted in Humor, Social Commentary at 12:13 am by faith786

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Assalamu Alaikum,

I don’t know if I should have included ‘Bismillah’ in this post because of the cracked out content in this post, but as in the words of someone I know, “If I were to rob a bank, I would still say ‘Bismillah’ before trying to break in.”

Anyway, I am slightly exasperated that random people at my school are attempting to convert me to Christianity, consciously aware that I wear a head scarf, I pray, fast and go to the masjid. So I figured instead of trying to tell people that ‘you should not want to convert me to Christianity because I am perfectly happy and content being Muslim’ but instead that they should see that I would make such a bad Christian. So here is the list of why Faith786 would be such a bad Christian (for humor pruposes only):

—For communion, the week I would have to make the bread I would totally burn it.

—For communion: I would accidentally drop the bread while it is going around.

—For communion, if I am asked to make alcohol (ethanol C2H5OH) to drink with everyone, I would make butanol (C4H9OH). (Bad chemistry joke)

—Before Christmas when they do that candle lighting tradition, I would have a lit candle and somehow be near the tree decorated in highly flammable material….

—Before Christmas there is a tradition of girls putting candles in their hair (???) and you already know what would happen….

—In worship when they sing songs, I would totally be on the wrong page.

—For churches that kneel–I wouldn’t know when I should stand, kneel or sit.

—I would accidentally go to church on Fridays instead of Sundays.

—If I get mad, I will either say (instinctively) ‘Iyaka Nabudu wa Iyaka Nastaeen’ or surah Ikhlas, which would go against Christian fundamental beliefs.

—When the little kid would come around with the bowl to collect donations, I would be at the aisle seat and accidentally turn around too quickly and knock him over.

—When I would have to ‘confess’ my sins, I would either say what I did and won’t regret it or: ‘To commit error is to be human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.”

—If the priest or pastor (guy) would try to baptize me, I would slap him for getting too close.

—For baptism: I would insist that I want water no one has touched.

—For baptism: I would want clean water so I would insist on chemical testing to precipitate any metals out of the water. (Tap water has metals in it)

—If anyone dressed as santa and broke into my house from the chimney with a huge sack, I would beat him up with the old bat in the basement.

—I’ll be broke to buy Christmas gifts.

—There would be Bible readings and I would be in the wrong Gospel.

—I will ask my stupid questions and get kicked out of the church: “Who is the grandfather of Jesus from his Father’s side?”

—I will still be scared of the crucifixes. (Why in the BU bathrooms…?!?!)

—When they do the prayer greeting in churches and touch their foreheads and shoulders, I would do it in the wrong order.

—I will still instinctively look away at all the pictures of Jesus and Mary. (Theology professor: why are you looking away? Does the picture intimidate you? Me: No… I am not supposed to look at depictions of prophets and holy people. Theology professor: why? Me: because it is simply not them.)

—I would love to play with the bell to see if frequency and intensity of pulling the rope would affect the sound.

—It would be my turn to clean the church and I would accidentally rinse out the baptism bowl with the other ones.

—I would get Father, Son, Word, Holy Spirit, etc. confused when I would make a prayer.

—In advent, I would be confused what you are supposed to remember on what week.

—I would call Christmas on Fridays “Christmas Akbar”.

…more later.

5 Comments »

  1. spiderman said,

    Today at school a few girls asked me what I got for Christmas. I told them I don’t celebrate Christmas. They asked why, and I told im not a Christian. They asked what I am and I said Muslim. (Which should have been obvious due to my hijab) They replied “REALLY?? what do you believe in??” I told her that Muslims believe in one God, as apposed to the trinity that Christians believe in. They said.. “We dont belive that either.” I said really? because…most Christans believe in the father son and holy spirit. They replied “OHHH YEA I BELIEVE IN THAT, I JUST DIDNT KNOW WAT IT WAS CALLED” (mind you, these are church going Christians. One of them comes from a very strict family who attends church daily…Mormon I believe) Then one of the girls turns to me and says, “I thought you where Indian.” (I would like to note that I do not have dark skin, not even the slightest tan.) I tried to calmly explain that “Indian” is not a religion, but a nationality. Then I waved my hand in front of her face and said ARE YOU BLIND I’M WHITE AS HELL! The conversation ended there.

    Sorry i’ve been missing your calls, finals are next week and i’m so busy. I shall call you this weekend. I want to know how your issue turned out.

  2. Sierra said,

    I am Christian and I would do some of these things!

    “For communion, the week I would have to make the bread I would totally burn it.”

    “In worship when they sing songs, I would totally be on the wrong page.”

    “There would be Bible readings and I would be in the wrong Gospel.”

    Nice.

  3. Rachel said,

    Funny list although I did not understand some of the references. Can I ask, why are you afraid of crucifixes?

  4. faith786 said,

    Rachel:

    Oh! I probably should have not put that up without explaining why–

    It has nothing to do with Christianity; I have a fear of crucifixes because I can’t actually believe people were brutally executed like that. I find that really frightening so when I see a crucifix with someone actually depicted on it, it scares me.

    Spiderman: Hahahahaha! You are ‘white as hell’

  5. naasara said,

    As far as I am aware, there are no good Christians.
    The prophet Ishaia says, “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way:…”


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